Animagi
by Who Died of Ennui
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide to become Animagi. Bwahaha. This is a parody, incidentally, and I'm also very bad at writing summaries... Read and Review, if you please.


Animagi

"Do you know what might be a fun, quick thing to do?" asked Hermione.

Harry, Ron, and she were sitting in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, eating breakfast.

"Whazzat?" said Ron. Harry tried out a new trick on her, which involved moving one's face very close to the victim's, and making slurping noises while looking disturbingly sincere.

She ignored Harry. "It would be fun for all of us to become Animagi."

Harry, who had been busily slurping at her, choked, coughed, and ended up spitting all over her. "We could never do that!" he yelled, drying his face on Ron's sleeve.

"I don't see why not," she said, very dignifiedly considering she looked as though someone has dropped a bucket of weak gelatin on her.

"But... how?" said Ron vaguely.

"If I can figure it out, would you two be willing to become Animagi along with me?"

"Well, duh," said Harry.

"Sure," said Ron. "Because I'm certain the Animagi I would become would be... a badger. Quite a good hunter and provider, but with a _wacky_ sense of humor, these little animals like having fun in the sun. They--"

He stopped, realizing that he was talking like the narrator of an animal show for children.

Harry had been staring, misty-eyed, at the ceiling. now he spoke. "I know that when I become an Animagi, I will surely be..." He stood up, and began emotionally shouting, "A STAG! Just like my father James, who I know would be proud of me. I'd be strong, swift, honorable, and always surviving!"

"Er, not to burst your bubble, Harry," said Ron, "but it is actually possible to kill a stag. They don't always survive, you know."

Harry threw a side of bacon at Ron. "And what do you think you would be, Hermione?"

"Well, personally, I've always thought I was like a cheetah. So independent, aloof, intelligent, beautiful, quick, and loved by all..."

Harry and Ron burst out laughing, hastily turning their fir of glee into a fit of coughing when she glared at them.

"Well, no matter how... immature... some people are, I will try to figure out how we can become Animagi, anyways."

I----------I

Exactly two hours later, Hermione found Harry and Ron and told them she'd discovered how they could become Animagi.

"Shall we do so now, then?" she added.

"Yep," said Harry and Ron in unison.

"Follow me," she said. She walked off down the hall with them trailing behind. Then, she slowly walked in a figure eight, then a straight line again. Next, she jumped from one foot to the other while zigzagging forward. Finally, she turned around and raced down the hall back to where they had been standing before, and collapsed on the floor.

Harry, who, along with Ron, had been following exactly in her footsteps, caught up with her and panted, "What was all that about? Where are we going?"

"What?" she said. "Oh, sorry, I forgot you were following me. What were we doing?"

"We were becoming Animagi!"

"Oh. Yes. Follow me!"

They followed wearily.

Finally, they reached a door. Hermione opened it, and they went inside. The room they had just entered was brightly lit, with walls half-lined with purple mirrors. In the middle of the room there was a single, round table. Upon it rested a book.

Respectfully, Harry walked over to it, and picked it up with great tenderness. He read the title on the beautiful red leather volume...

It was called _How to Become an Animagus in Five Minutes!_, with a photo of a young blonde male who looked suspiciously like Draco Malfoy on the front. The wizard in the photo winked and smiled, and then changed into a raven, and then back again.

"Where did you find this, Hermione?" asked Ron doubtfully.

"The library, of course! Now... so what we're supposed to do is walk three times around a cheese grater" she took one out of her robes and set it on the floor, "and then jump over it."

"OK," said Harry. "I'll go first. He took a deep breath, walked thrice around the cheese grater, and then jumped over it. There was a bright flash of light, and he was enveloped in green, overly dramatic smoke. Somewhere in the ceiling a disco ball flung colored lights over him.

After about four minutes, the smoke cleared, the disco ball stopped moving, and there, in the center of everything, was Harry in his new Animagus form.

He was a nun.

Looking down at his transfigured form, he began weeping in a ladylike manner, and, still weeping, went and sat in a corner of the purple-mirrored room.

"My turn..." said Ron nervously. He repeated the magical actions around the cheese grater, and then he, too, disappeared in a puff of smoke, this time crimson, with the peppering of the disco ball lights.

After 4.3 minutes, the smoke cleared. His magnificent Animagus form was furry and white. It had tasseled edges. He had become a scarf.

The scarf that was Ron moved itself over to another corner of the room, moving as an inchworm does.

Hermione glanced at the tearful nun and the fluffy scarf. Then she, too, carried out the motions around the cheese grater. She was covered in black smoke and disco ball'd for 3.9 minutes. At the end of this, the scarf and the nun looked up and saw... a tabby cat, with markings around its eyes that were rather like spectacles.

The nun clapped his hands, and shouted, "Way to go, Hermione! You're a normal animal!", and the scarf made a muffled but distinctly congratulatory noise.

They stopped short when the cat turned into Professor McGonagall.

"You're not Hermione!" shouted Ron stupidly, having changed back into himself.

"Well, Mr. Weasley, I came along to make sure you students didn't hurt yourselves in this dangerous undertaking," said McGonagall sharply.

"Where's Hermione, then? If that cat was you, Professor..."

McGonagall suddenly appeared to remember something. She looked sheepish, and coughed some object into her hand and held it out to Ron. "Here," she said.

It was a rather flat and saliva-coated termite.

"You see, when I went to check on her, I got this little termite stuck to the bottom of my paw. And there's no need to waste good food, so I..." She trailed off.

Ron held the termite tenderly in his hand. "Hermiooooooooooneeeeee!" he cried.

The termite raised its tiny head, and said in a squeaky voice, "Oh, bugger. What d'you want?"

"Oh. You're all right," he said, and dropped her. There was a tiny but drawn-out scream, followed by a noise like the landing of bird scat upon a steel plate.

Ron, the nun, and McGonagall stared at the very flat termite. For a moment, it shimmered as though it were underwater, and then it turned into Hermione.

She looked a complete mess, although this made rather an improvement on her usual appearance. She walked over to Ron, slapped him, and causing him to indignantly turn into the scarf. Then she tripped on the cheese grater and sprawled on the floor.

The nun stepped forward, and said in gracious tones, "And now, at long last, we are all Animagi!" He seemed to swell with pride. Then he turned to look at the unconscious Hermione and the sulking scarf. His saintly expression disappeared, and he muttered, "Jesus Christ" to his nun-ly self, and then swept out of the room, fighting a very strong urge to start singing about how the hills were alive with the sound of music.

The End


End file.
